January Rules

In the decade since I had my first son, I have come to realize that parenting is mostly just winging it. I might look like I have it together at this point but that’s just because I’ve perfected a Donald Trump style comb over to cover the spot where I pull my hair out. One of the things that surprised me most after having kids was how many new rules I would have to make up along the way. I don’t know if it’s just my kids but basics like play nice and clean your room don’t cut it here. January is especially trying because they have so much new crap great stuff to play with that they got last month. So while the rest of the world is busy working on their resolutions, I’m over here making new rules in an attempt to keep the house from imploding. Here’s a few of the newest additions:

Do not fly your new drone in my room while I am sleeping.

I am not responsible for any damage caused when I wake up screaming and bat the flying demon monster away from my face.

Only Elsa dolls get to stand on your new Frozen castle like she did in the movie.

Little girls wearing Elsa dresses are not to climb up there. If you break your face, I will sell your new castle to pay for the hospital bills. Well, I probably won’t but I will definitely dream about it. Save us both the trouble and keep your feet on the floor.

In my defense, I assumed this was covered under the rule about not climbing on the roof even if you're wearing Buzz Lightyear wings.  I realize now that the point of this climbing is to sing dramatically, not to fly like a spaceman.  Those are completely different.  That was my mistake.  The new rule has been officially added. 

Well I guess Hello Kitty and My Little Ponies are OK.  Basically just no humans allowed on the cardboard balcony.

Do not build Lego machines that run on Barbie doll hearts.

If you want your contraption to take over the world, I’m good with that. If you feel the need to feed that thing your sister’s toys, we have a problem. It’s not just about stealing her stuff either. I’ve seen Toy Story. I know what happens to kids like Sid.

Do not put any (more) baby puppies in your stuffed animal net.

Also, little boys are not allowed in the stuffed animal net even if they are pretending to be a teddy bear.

This is Smith Wigglesworth.  His butt wiggles when he walks. 

Your toys are not allowed to play guitar after bedtime.

Obviously I believe you that it was your minion rocking out. You were just laying in bed as innocent as a lamb. Mommy is tired though and even Bob has to obey the rules. If I hear any more music coming out of your room before the sun comes up, he will be spending the entire night in time out.

Of course these are in addition to our normal rules like don’t ride the dog, no farting at the table and we don’t use nail polish on the walls or furniture. I would like to point out that none of these rules were in the What to Expect books. I thought we would need the standard rules to help our little angels grow into respectable adults. Instead, it seems like every new ordinance is just aimed at keeping this circus out of the ER or preventing major property damage. Please tell me I’m not alone in this. What new rules have you had to add in your house this month?

Dear Daughter: It’s OK to hurt.

Tonight I sat on the couch with my broken little girl and held her while she cried. Tonight we watched a movie and held a puppy while we waited for the grief to subside.  Tonight, once again, I told her that it’s OK to hurt.

As a mother, my instinct is to kiss boo boos and dry tears.  It hurts me to see my children hurt.  I want to pull them to my chest and keep them far from any one or any place that would ever do them harm.  The problem is that my children came from the place of harm.   My children were born to the family that hurt them.  I can do everything in my power to change their present and future but I can’t erase their history.

Adoptive families often struggle with how much contact to have with their birth families.  Open adoptions are a great option for many people but in cases where children were adopted from foster care there are often safety concerns and painful histories that have to be taken into consideration.  My husband and I have chosen not to force contact with our kids’ biological parents until our kids ask for it.  They know that they are adopted and when the time comes that they want to reach out, assuming that it is safe and healthy, we will support them.  In the meantime, we continue to cultivate a relationship with their biological siblings.  Those kids love my children and did not do anything to deserve their family being torn apart.  We promised them that we would work hard to maintain their relationships with our kids and we have stood by that.  It hasn’t been easy though. 

This weekend we had a visit with some of Bradley and Alyssa’s siblings.  The kids looked forward to it for days and Alyssa literally jumped up and down and started dancing in the middle of the restaurant when she saw them pull up.  She spent an hour and half with her sister, T, taking turns braiding and rebraiding each other’s hair.  They have a special connection and adore each other even though they are not able to connect as often as they would like.  

When it was time to go, Alyssa clung to T like her life depended on it and she sobbed.  Her little heart broke like it did when she first lost her birth family and like it does every time we have to say good bye.  Even though she knows that she will see them again, it hurt.  Even though she was promised a phone call in the next few days, it hurt.  The whole thing just hurts. 

I watched my husband scoop her up in his big, gentle arms to carry her to the car and I wondered for a moment if it was worth it.  It makes no sense to bring your child to a visit knowing that she will leave in tears. The mama bear in me wants to hole up in a cave and never come back so that she won’t hurt again.  Instead, I looked her in the eyes and told her that it was ok to be sad about leaving. 

When we got home we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie while she tried to sort things out.  That night she raged and said she hated me.  In the morning she asked if I remembered the time that she was really sad after seeing her sister.  I told her again that it’s ok to hurt sometimes.

I try not to tell Alyssa that it will be ok because I don’t know that it will.  I don’t attempt to stop the tears because they exist for a reason.  It would not be fair for me to deny that her truth is painful.  Instead, I give her permission to grieve and I sit with her until the storm passes.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that they don’t always have to run from pain.  I want my children to learn to love bravely and that means embracing risk.  We mediate that risk by preparing for visits, planning downtime afterwards and monitoring closely what is said but we know that seeing their siblings may open up old wounds.  If you aren’t intimately acquainted with adoption, that may seem reckless. We understand though that the benefit of love is greater than the cost.

Over the past few years I have had to learn the lesson that Alyssa is learning now.  Sometimes love hurts but it is worth it.  Foster children may leave and take a piece of your heart but it is worth it because what remains is better than the whole you had before.  Friends may walk away but it is still worth it to trust and feel connection with others.  The epilepsy could win but it is worth it to love Alyssa. 

It is better to love and hurt than to never love. Painful goodbyes mean that you had a chance to say hello.  Even if it hurts to leave, an evening spent braiding your sister’s hair is worth it. It would be easier to walk away and hope that she forgets about her birth family but that’s not what is best for my daughter.  I want her to know that even if they can’t grow up together like they should have, loving your siblings is worth it. It’s ok to hurt because that means that you loved.

Let's continue this conversation on Facebook and in the comments below.

The Difference Between Mommy Guilt and Mommy Shame

It seems like every other day another article comes out about mommy guilt. A woman whom we all relate to discusses how overwhelmed she felt by thoughts that she was never doing enough for her kids, partner, house, job, or life. Usually there was a turning point where she realized that she was tilting at windmills and trying to achieve the impossible when what she really needed to do was give herself grace and embrace the cheerios on the floor. Many moms applaud this kind of writing because it tells us that other people are imperfect so it might be ok if we don’t do everything the sanctimommies claim they do.

I’ll admit that as a completely imperfect mom, I am sometimes drawn to these stories. It is nice to read about other women who are just as exhausted as I am at the end of the day and who have to remind themselves to look interested during yet another 30 minute monologue on Minecraft. I like the idea that there are other moms who fantasize about burning the laundry pile and sometimes yell at their kids. In general, I think that women need more grace to be human instead of more pressure to live up to standards that are often contradictory and impossible. 

Typically, these pieces end with a declaration that the mom is completely eschewing all the guilt and refusing to allow it any place in her life. We are supposed to cheer at this new found enlightenment but that is where the professor in me pokes her head up. I teach Introduction to Psychology to first year college students and I work hard to teach them that all of our emotions have a purpose. Our feelings are there to help us understand our world and what people or events mean to us. Anger is a natural response to a violation, sadness tells me that I have suffered a loss and fear says that I am in danger.  Like every other feeling, guilt exist for a reason. Go ahead and clutch your pearls but I’m going to say it, mommy guilt is not always a bad thing. Guilt lets me know when I may have done something wrong.  When I feel guilty for something that I am actually responsible for, and I feel it in an appropriate intensity, I can learn from my mistakes and become a better parent. The problem is sometimes mommy guilt turns into mommy shame and that is harmful.

Brene Brown is a researcher who has spent years studying some of our most difficult emotions. She teaches that there is an important difference between shame and guilt which many people miss. Guilt tells us that we have done something bad while shame tells us that we are bad. That distinction is important because it influences how we respond to our inner dialogue. Guilt encourages me to think about what I did and how I can repair it. Shame often causes us to shut down more and isolate farther.

Imagine that you are making dinner at the end of a horribly long day. You are tired and frustrated and just trying to make it till bedtime so you can crash on the couch with wine, popcorn and Scandal. Sensing this, your kids go into overdrive and push every button until you snap. Then they look at you with those big watery eyes like you just broke their little hearts. What do you then? What are the voices in your head saying for the rest of the night? Do your thoughts sound more like shame or guilt?

Shame says: I am a horrible mother. I ALWAYS yell at them. I mess up everything. I am destroying my kids. I want to put them in bed now and hide. I wish I wasn’t such a bad a mom. I just can’t do anything right. I wish I was more like that other mom who has everything together and never struggles.

Guilt says: I made a mistake. I was tired and upset and I took it out on them. I need to apologize to my kids. Next time I will try taking a few minutes alone to decompress after work before making dinner. I love my kids and also I am human so I mess up sometimes. 

Do you hear the difference there? When shame speaks, it can feel overwhelming. Guilt recognizes that there is a problem but that problem does not define you. You made a mistake but you are not one. Guilt is not something we have to run from because it teaches us to be better parents, partners and people. Shame on the other hand is rarely helpful. Shame makes the problem bigger while tearing you down. It takes time and effort but you may find yourself experiencing more peace as your learn which voice to listen to. 

The next time that mommy guilt or mommy shame are competing for space in your life, try thinking through these questions:   

     Is this something I should feel guilty about?

     Am I remembering to focus on what I DID instead of who I AM?

     Do I feel more guilt than I should about what I did?

     How would I like to address this situation differently in the future or make repairs with the person I hurt?

     How can I make repairs and extend grace with myself?

Most moms struggle with guilt and shame at some point. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mom that it can feel overwhelming.  Learning to set realistic standards for ourselves can help us to resist the shame and listen to guilt when it says that there is something we can tweak. Let’s continue this conversation in the comments below or on my facebook page.  


*Note: We all feel guilt and shame from time to time.Often we feel better when we talk with friends or work on changing our thoughts.  If negative emotions start to feel overwhelming or you are afraid you might hurt yourself or someone else, it may be time to speak to a therapist.  You can search for one near you at this website. Remember that there is no shame is getting help.

Disaster Relief in Garland

My husband and I are Jeepers.  We’re not hardcore Jeepers because I have (what he considers to be) an irrational fear of falling off cliffs.  But, he has a really cool Jeep and we look awesome when we drive around with the top off.  Recently, we’ve gotten involved with the North Texas Jeep Club.  I first learned about them last winter when they made the news for pulling stranded motorist out of ditches all over the metroplex during the really bad ice storm. I liked the idea of a group that could be playing in the mud one day and saving people the next. 

Earlier this week, NTJC began discussing how we could help the people affected by the tornados in Garland.  If you don’t know, on December 26^th, an EF4 tornado ripped through several Dallas suburbs damaging over 600 buildings and killing 11 people while injuring countless others.  We knew we had to help so this morning about 25 Jeeps, along with their people, rolled into Garland and we got to work.

This trailer park was one of the hardest hit areas.

It’s surreal to be driving along the highway like everything is normal and then suddenly find yourself in a warzone.  I have never been in a place with so much devastation.  We spent the day clearing debris from yards and helping families load up what valuables that they could salvage. 

When we first arrived and parked at the base, a man named Abram from Renova Community Organization drove us to our first work site.  He told me that watching the Jeeps pull up was like seeing the cavalry arrive.  He’s right; we do make quiet an entrance.  It felt like we were cavalry too.  We all worked hard and within a few hours we had completely cleaned up several yards.  It felt like we really made a difference there.  

Then I wandered onto the next street. It turns out that they needed an army too. It’s not that we were the only ones out there.  People from all over the area had turned out to help.  I spent part of the morning working with a great group from Islamic Relief USA.  I saw people from churches, charities, other clubs, and many who came to help without a group.  The need is big though.  

Most of the relief organizations have stopped taking donations at this point.  They have more stuff than they have space to hold or people to sort.  At this point, what is needed is financial donations and boots on the ground.  The cost of the recovery is enormous and there is still much physical labor to be done.  

If you are willing to help, Renova Community Organization has an aid station set up at 5029 Locust Grove Rd. in Garland.  They have all the tools you might need (like rakes and shovels), masks, work gloves, waters and phenomenal BBQ.  All you need to do is show up and they will put you to work. 

There is still so much work to be done.

I would like to encourage every one of you to find some way that you can help.  Don’t simply say a prayer and move about your day.  Our neighbors need a cavalry.  

I am so proud to be married to a guy that works so hard to help others.  He really is amazing.