Someone asked me recently if I thought that everyone who
wants children should consider adoption. I am absolutely an advocate for
adoption but I found myself pausing before I answered. The problem is that sometimes when we promote
adoption and highlight the happy families it can create, we gloss over the
darker side. The truth is that every
tearjerker story about a family being brought together starts with another story
of absolute devastation. Our children
are not simply gifted to us, they are taken or abandoned or orphaned
first. Sometimes the love of a new
family helps to heal the wounds of that loss; sometimes it isn’t enough.
When we recognize that adoption is so deeply connected to
loss, it changes the conversation. It is
no longer simply about adults who want to be parents and fulfil that dream
through adoption. We also begin to recognize
that adoption is about children who have lost everything. Studies show that even infants who are
adopted at birth, grieve their first mother.
Children who spend time in orphanages, foster placements or abusive
homes lose their self of normalcy, the people that they depended on, and often their
identity. They grow up in a world
focused on survival instead of play and connection. Fortunately, in the majority of cases, those
children can go on to live happy and loving lives when given the right supports
but some struggle to ever really recover.
When someone is considering adoption, it should be with the knowledge
that it is more complicated than parenting a typical, biological child. You
should know that sometimes the wounds are deep and do not heal easily. To make things worse, sometimes the supports
that you were promised for after the adoption never materialize. You should know that your child’s past is not
sealed at adoption like their original birth certificate. Everything that their old life gave them or
made them remains after the judge declares you a forever family. At the same time, you should know that you
will grow to love this child deeper than you ever thought possible. You should know that when you get through to
them you will feel as though you have just won the Olympics. You should know that there will be moments
that you find yourself in awe that God is allowing you to parent this amazing
person.
Although the dark side of adoption is not highlighted on
commercials, I think it is critical to understand before you consider adding to
your family. You must take the time to
have some honest conversations about whether your family can handle adoption
and, if so, what type is best for you. There
are important differences between international, domestic, and foster care
adoption. You should also decide what child(ren) would fit best with you. The waiting list for healthy infants is long
but there are thousands of older children, sibling groups or children with a
wide range of disabilities who are legally free and waiting for a family today. If your heart is open to these amazing kids, please
consider opening your home too but if they are a consolation prize for the baby
that you really wanted, please step back in line for the one that you will give
your whole heart to.
So, should everyone consider adoption? My answer is no. I do think that everyone should consider how
they can help the orphan. That could mean anything from donating duffle bags for
kids being shuffled between homes to mentoring youth or providing respite care.
Or, maybe you will find your niche in
some of the many great programs working to reduce the need for adoption around the
globe. It could also lead to a
realization that the children you were destined to raise had another family
first. We all have a different roles to
play and I think that we should each consider where we fit best. Adoption can be beautiful but it is not simple
or easy or for everyone. Is it for you?
What are you considering for your family?
I know that my thoughts on this are out of line with the typical
Adoption Awareness Month message. I want
to hear your thoughts. Let’s continue
this conversation on Facebook.
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