How the Stars Aligned in 2014

This summer I took a brutal cross cultural course as part of my master’s program.  The class required 15 – 20 hours of reading per week along with several projects.  It was exhausting.  However, there was one project that I really got into: the cultural self-portrait.  We had to create some type of art project that captured who we are and all of our identities. 

I think we can all agree that I should continue to focus on psychology instead of art.

I am madly in love with the night sky.  I have been since I was little. As a teenager my favorite chore was cleaning the kitchen because part of the job was taking the trash out.  I would wait until everyone was in bed then walk barefoot down the driveway, listening to the crickets, breathing the country air and watching the stars in wonder.  I still feel the most at peace under a big Texas night sky and I find myself drawn to it more when life becomes chaotic.  So, for my self-portrait I created a sky.  I filled it with stars that I labeled with titles such as student, mom, intern, or friend.  I added race, gender, religion and orientation.  I filled the whole canvas with stars of different sizes then added a window to demonstrate that most people have a very limited view of who I am.  As I worked on my project, I thought a lot about which labels deserved the biggest stars in my life.  I also noticed that some stars were differently sized than they would have been at another point in my life.  Some parts of me have shined brighter, or had a spotlight thrust on them, this year while others have faded out.

 

I dislike the idea of summarizing the year in four photos and one cliché word or a listing of all my annual accomplishments.  That doesn’t seem to fit.  The sky however, has enough room for all the stars in all their phases.  This year my faith flickered but is growing stronger again now.  The advocate side of me shown brighter but not because I wanted it to, it’s just that sometimes the choice to remain silent is the equivalent of letting the darkness win.  Fostering has faded for the moment because of other obligations but student is going strong for one more semester.  I developed a pretty mean roundhouse at MMA.  I gave up on some toxic relationships but found true friends in other places.  There were times this year when the storms hid the stars and I felt like there was nothing left of me.  There were other times when the night was clear and the world felt alive.

Like any night, some parts of 2014 were darker than others.  That’s life.  That’s every year.  I’m actually hopeful for 2015, especially for the exciting plans that we have for summer.  I know that there will be challenges.  I will be embarking on a new career in the fall.  The oilfield is pretty shaky right now which is great for gas prices but uncomfortable when your husband is a driller. Alyssa’s seizures have been pretty well controlled for a little while now so hopefully we can maintain that.  Noah fully expects to have his Iron Man prototype up and running just as soon as we buy him a welder.  I have a few more sweet months before my baby heads to school in the fall.  No matter what lies ahead though, no matter how clear the skies or how dark the storms, I know the stars will keep on shining. 

Happy New Year!

 

 

The Lies I Believed

   When faced with tragedy, the human brain often refuses to accept the information presented to it.  We go into denial because the truth doesn’t make sense and it seems like more than we can handle.  Eventually though, most people come to grips with reality even as painful as it is.  We face the world that took the place of the one we knew.  We sort through the beliefs that we once held dear hoping to find some that are still true and replacing those that aren’t.  It is a painful but necessary process.  It requires one to admit that they were wrong about people and life and sometimes their beliefs about world.

   I have spent the last few months sorting through the lies and inaccuracies that I used to believe.  I believed that certain people would be there for my family no matter what.  I was wrong.  I thought that other people were simply acquaintances or peers but they stepped up and stood beside me at my darkest moments.  I thought that my children were healthy.  I thought that my faith and good works somehow protected me from devastation.  I thought life was going to look a certain way and our future held endless possibilities.  I was wrong about all of that.

   There is one particular lie that has been particularly hard to face lately.  I based my goals and dreams on a belief that I now understand all too well is simply not true.  Somehow in my naivety and high ambition, I swallowed the propaganda that women can have it all.  The truth is that we, or at least I, simply can’t.  I can’t parent my children in the way that they need and continue my education as planned.  I can’t give everything required to attain an advanced degree and successfully manage a household while my husband works out of town and I have limited support.  I can’t plan to work several more years on the degree needed to achieve my goals when I can’t even find childcare for two evenings a month next semester.  It is not a matter of being willing to make sacrifices or lean in.  The truth is that eventually you run out of things to give up and if I lean any farther I will likely just land on my face.  It is not a matter of lacking intelligence, desire or drive.  There are simply some hurdles that I am unable to clear.

   This semester has been about facing the lies and giving up on unattainable dreams.  I made the choice to not pursue a doctorate degree in psychology and stop when I complete my master’s in May.  That means that I will not be qualified for the positions that I have dreamed of and worked towards for years.  It means that I find myself in the uncomfortable position of trying to decide on a new direction with graduation looming only a few months away.  It also means that I will be available for therapy appointments and hospital visits, field trips and homework.  I may even be able to reintroduce my family to the concept of a home cooked meal.   

   At the moment, I think that I am making the right choice but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Taking the blinders off and recognizing the limitations in this life hurts.  Coming to grips with the fact that the way things are is in no way close to the way I thought that they should be is a difficult process.  I understand why some people choose to live like an ostrich and keep their heads buried deep enough that they do not have to acknowledge the world burning down all around them.  I have to believe though that at some point beauty will come from the ashes.  I can’t see the positive yet but at least I am a little closer to seeing the truth and that’s progress for me.